Danny Amor's Online Library/Danny Amor's Online Library - Volume 1.iso/html/startrek/old-incomplete/stardrek.repost.ep1-2

Text File | 1995-08-20 | 47KB | 1,259 lines

  _______    ___________      ______   _______
 /  _____|  |_____ _____|    / ___ |  |  ____ \
/  /             | |        / /  | |  | |    \ \
\  \____         | |       / /___| |  | |____/ /
 \____  \        | |      / _____  |  |  ___  /
      \  \       | |     / /     | |  | |   \ \
 _____/  /       | |    / /      | |  | |    \ \
|_______/        |_|   /_/       |_|  |_|     \_\

              ______      _______      _________    _    __
             |  ___ \    |  ____ \    |  _______|  | |  / /
             | |   \ \   | |    \ \   | |          | | / /
             | |    | |  | |____/ /   | |____      | |/ /
             | |    | |  |  ___  /    |  ____|     |   |
             | |    | |  | |   \ \    | |          | |\ \
             | |___/ /   | |    \ \   | |_______   | | \ \
             |______/    |_|     \_\  |_________|  |_|  \_\


____    __       __   ____  _   __  __  __     __  __  _  ____ __ __
 /  /_//_   /| //_ |/  /   / | /_  / _ /_ /| //_  /_/ /_|  /   / / //| /
/  / //__  / |//__ /| /   /_/ /__ /__//__/ |//__ / \ /  | /  _/ /_// |/


             EPISODE I: "Close Encounters at Midpoint"

[ SCENE: The transporter room.  The Captain and Security Chief
  are waiting for a emissary to beam up from the planet they are
  currently orbiting. ]

Alien: [on transporter pad]  "I wish to speak to the captain of
       this vessel."

Captain: "I am Captain Hugh Lett Packard.  I will escort you to
          your quarters... and this is my Chief of Security
          Fishermans Wharf."

Alien: "Is security really necessary?  I assure you I mean no..."

Captain: "Merely a standard procedure.  We had a slight incident
          last episode, something to do with some new particle of
          the week'.  Ever since then security has been
          heightened.  It wouldn't have prevented the incident,
          but it makes me feel better."

[ Suddenly the camera man tilts the camera, everyone in the room
  leans to one side, and annoying alarms begin to sound. ]

Captain: [ Touches a smiley-faced button on his uniform, causing
           an annoying computer generated whining noise. ]
         "Bridge, what's going on up there?!"

Voice of
Striker: "We ran into another vessel, Captain.  Mr. LaFarce
          was driving again.  You know he's blind as a bat."

Voice of
LaFarce: "Sorry Captain, I was just..."

Captain: "Mr. LaFarce, have you considered transferring to
          Engineering?  I think you would be more... uh...
          helpful there."

Voice of
LaFarce: "Right."

Captain: "Mr. LaFarce..."

Voice of
LaFarce: "Sorry..." [with emphasis] "'Right SIR'."

Captain: "Thank you Mr. LaFarce." [to striker:] "I'll be on the
          bridge shortly, Number Thirteen."

Voice of
Striker: "Yes sir."


[ Packard, Wharf, and the Alien step towards the door.  A stage
  hand pulls a couple of ropes connected to an intricate pulley
  system and the door slides open. ]

Captain: [to wharf:] "Please escort our visitor to his quarters,
         I'm needed on the bridge."

Wharf: "Aye, sir."


[ SCENE: The bridge.  About 10 crew members are at their stations
  looking busy bye randomly pushing buttons and hoping to get the
  result they want without having to check the manual.  Striker
  is in the commander's chair.  To his left is Counselor Diana
  Finkelsnort, a half-human half-betatester who has the ability
  to read creatures' emotions, which usually disturbs her and
  scares the willies out of Striker.  LaFarce is in the
  navigator's, wearing some funky sunglasses he picked up on
  Maclom-ten. ]

Striker: "Report to Engineering, Mr. LaFarce."

LaFarce: "Yes sir."

[ LaFarce goes off to engineering and an unknown extra takes his
  place.  Packard comes onto the bridge.]

Captain: [to striker:] "Ok, Number Thirteen, what's going on
         here."

Striker: "Mr. LaFarce was at the helm.  I was paying attention
          to Diana's particularly alluring clothing, and the next
          then I know, we rear ended another ship."

Captain: "Have you identified it yet?"

Striker: [Staring at Diana again, slightly smiling] "It seems to
         be from a well known trader on Talmar-six..."

Captain: "Charles, I mean 'have you identified the ship?'"

Striker: [Looking back at Packard] "Oh, uh, yes sir.  We ran the
         plates and found out it is the Static Klingon ship
         'Snuggles'."

Captain: "The Static Klingons?!  Have you hailed them yet?"

Striker: "No sir.  The incident seems to have knocked out their
          communications."

Output: [Who for some reason is now on the bridge] "We are being
        hailed, sir."

Captain: [Now smiling brightly] "Oh... well... tell them 'thank
         you' Mr. Output."

Output: "No sir... the Static Klingons are attempting
         communication with us."

Captain: "Diana?"

Diana: "I sense no deception from them.  I really think they ARE
        trying to communicate."

Captain: "Very well.  Open a channel Mr. Output." [To no one in
          particular] "I am Captain Hugh Lett Packard of the
          Federated StarShip..."

[ The front view screen suddenly flashes to life, showing the
  picture of a Static Klingon. ]

Klingon: "I know who you are, Packard.  I am Captain Durasel.
          You've made a BAD mistake, Packard!  Now face the
          consequences!"

Captain: "I'm sure there's a way we can work this out.  My
          insurance will cover..."

Klingon: "Not this time, Packard.  Now all the galaxy will
          find out what bad drivers the Federation has, and your
          name will be specifically mentioned."

[ The screen goes back to a starfield. ]

Striker: "We can't allow this to happen!  Load forward torpedo
          tubes!"

Captain: "No, Chuck.  There's another way."

Striker: "I agree, Commander, but we haven't found a way to use
          this week's particle yet, and I feel this is a perfect
          opportunity."

Striker: [angrily] "Captain, may I see you in your ready room?"

[ Packard nods, and they both enter a door conveniently placed
  on the bridge into the Captain's ready room. ]

Striker: [still angrily] "How many names do you have for me
         anyway?!"

Captain: "Now's not the time for this Charles.  The a situation
          that requires out immediate attention.  Talk to me
          later after filming is done."

Striker: [still obviously annoyed] "Aye sir."

Output: [over the intercom] "Captain, the Static Klingons are
        preparing to send an editorial to the Galactic Press."

Striker: [to Packard, calmed down now] "Durasel wasn't kidding,
         was he?"

Captain: "No, he wasn't.  I once met Duracel at a conference
          about Kenmore waves on Clorox-two.  Once he starts
          something, he keeps going, and going, and going..."

Striker: "So what do we do about it?"

Captain: "That depends.  What's this week's particle."

[ Striker picks up a copy of the script lying on the table. ]

Striker: "It seems to be... Grapenut Particles."

Captain: "Hmmm... Maybe Output can help us." [ He presses his
          smiley-faced button, again causing the computer
          generated whining noise. ] "Come to my ready room,
          Mr. Output."

[ The door slides open and Output enters. ]

Output: "You called, sir?"

Captain: "Yes, Output.  What do you know about Grapenut
          Particles?"

Output: "They are small particles that are so hard that, thus
         far, no-one has been able to split them sir."

Striker: "Is there any way we can use them against the Static
          Klingons?"

Output: "Not likely sir.  They are only used as a food source
         for..."

[ Wharf's voice erupts over the intercom. ]

Wharf: "Sir... incoming vessel!"

Captain: "I'll be right there!"

[ Packard, Striker, and Output walk briskly onto the bridge.  On
  the screen is the Static Klingon ship 'Snuggles' , dwarfed by
  the  awesome craft approaching - a giant cubical ship!]

Wharf: "It's the Borg ship, Rubic, sir!"

[ Suddenly, the front view screen changes, showing the interior
  of the 'Rubic'. ]

Captain: "My GOD!  It can't be..."

[ Wharf scowls violently, his hand hovering over the fire button
  that would launch a barrage of torpedoes at the Rubic.  Dr.
  Susan Cruncher enter onto the bridge, intent on telling off
  Striker for his violation of the Prime Directive with a
  tribe of Amazon women on Borax-three two episodes ago, when
  she suddenly notices the view screen which everyone is intently
  staring at. ]

Dr. Cruncher: [With deep fear in her voice] "NO!  This can't be
              happening!"

Captain: "Mr. Output, can you confirm what we are looking at?"

[ Output examines the viewscreen, which shows a picture of a
  haphazard pile of intertwined electronics and hairballs. ]

Output: "Either the Borg have somehow assimilated the giant cat
         species of Narcilus-Six, or..."

Wharf: [Growling, but confident] "They've assimilated Tribbles,
       sir!"

Output: "Confirmed, sir."

Striker: "I've always wondered what happened to them after the
          old series."

Dr. Cruncher: "But no-one would have guessed..."

Captain: "Perhaps we can use this to our advantage.  Mr. Output,
          send a galaxy wide warning message about out situation.
          That should keep the Static Klingons' article off the
          front page."

Striker: "That will only delay them, Captain."

Captain: "But that should give us enough time to handle both
          situations."

Output: "Sir, the Rubic is coming closer."

Captain: "Pull back slowly and tell me their reaction."

Output: "They are ignoring the Static Klingons' ship  and heading
         directly towards us... but sir, the 'Snuggles' seems to
         be being pulled along by the Rubic."

Captain: "A tractor beam?"

Output: [puzzled] "Negative, sir."

[ Leslie Cruncher, Dr. Cruncher's son, steps off the Turbolift
  where he had been waiting for his mother. ]

Leslie: "I know what's going on, Captain!"

Captain: [to Dr. Cruncher:] "Susan, I told you to keep that brat
         off the bridge!  You know I hate kids, and this one
         makes me look bad.  He keeps showing how just one kid
         can jeopardize my Starship, and how no-one on my crew
         can fix it!  But he can, of course!  I swear, over half
         of the attempts to take over this ship are his fault:
         making my security look laxed!  I don't know why I just
         don't..."

Leslie: "But I can help, sir!  I did a research paper last week
         on why Static Klingons and Tribbles hate each other. I
         got an 'A' on it, of course, due to the fact that..."

Striker: [annoyed] "Get on with it, Mr. Cruncher!"

Leslie: "Yes, sir.  As I was saying, I found the reason they hate
         each other.  It seems that when Tribbles collect
         together, they build up a static charge which is
         opposite of the one that the Static Klingons generate."

Captain: "Mr. Output?"

Output: "That would explain the 'Snuggles' behavior, sir."

Striker: "So it's being pulled along like a magnet?"

Output: "Yes, sir."

Captain: "That seem to explain it then.  Leslie... get the hell
          off my bridge!"

[ Two security officers "escort"Leslie off the bridge.  Dr
  Cruncher follows, giving Striker a scowl as she leaves.
  Counselor Finkelsnort gets up and goes with her. ]

[ SCENE: The Turbolift. A small cylindrical room attached to the
  bridge that has a small, colored window with lights behind it
  on a rotary, giving the occupants the notion that they are
  moving.  Leslie goes to his quarters to finish his experiment
  on creating supernovas from starships.  The security officers
  go to 10-backwards, the Bar and Lounge on the ship, to get a
  couple of Synthabrewskis and discuss why so many in security
  get killed every episode while the bride crew, who do most the
  dangerous work, are generally unscathed.  Dr. Cruncher
  conveniently stays on the turbolift giving Diana enough time
  to deliver her lines.

Diana: "Back on the bridge, I sensed some hostility towards
        Striker.  Would you care to talk about it?"

Dr. Cruncher: "I'd rather not.  I don't suppose you noticed
               the Captain's hostility towards Leslie?"

Diana: "Well, you know the captain.  Speaking of Leslie, I've
        always wondered why you named him that."

Dr. Cruncher: "Well, it was my husband, actually."

Diana: "He named Leslie?"

Dr Cruncher: "No.. I was pregnant with Leslie when my good for
              nothing husband left me!  He's never called or
              written or anything!  That's when I found out
              all men are pigs from Gundar-ten and deserve to
              be shot with a phaser cannon!  Anyway, I was hoping
              for a girl, but I got Leslie instead, so I made the
              best of it."

Diana: "I thought your husband was captured by the Rumulans and
        thrown in a prisoner of war camp."

Dr. Cruncher: "Sure... but that's no excuse for not visiting once
               in a while."

[ Now that the useless character development scene is over, we
  return to the bridge where Packard and his crew are trying to
  solve a crisis...]

Packard: [to Striker] "... and that's final!  I want you to shave
         off that stupid beard!"

Striker: "But, Captain, our rating have gone up since I grew it.
          To shave it off now would be a disaster, with the
          season finale coming up."

Packard: "Fine... keep it for now.  But next season I want you
          clean shaven.  Is that understood?"

Striker: "Aye, Sir."

Output: "Captain, the Rubic is hailing us."

Captain: "On screen."

[ Again, the front viewscreen shows the interior of the Ruic.
  But this time, it is focused on a particular spot where a
  large number of assimilated Tribbles have gathered into a
  large ball. ]

Voice from
Rubic: "We are the Quibbles.  Surrender at once.  Resistance is
        futile.  Calculus is irrelevant.  Lower your shields and
        prepare to be boarded."

[ Before anyone could even raise an objection to the comment
  about calculus, the screen switches back to an outside view
  of the Rubic, still dragging the Static Klingon Warbear
  'Snuggles' along. ]

Striker: "I wonder what their motives are that they are following
          us and ignoring the Static Klingons?"

Captain: [presses his smiley faced button again] "Counselor
         Finkelsnort to the bridge."

Output: "Captain, I respectfully think that the Counselor will
         not be much help in this situation.  Recall that she had
         trouble reading the Borg's emotions..."

Captain: [privately to output] "Yes, I recall.  Episode 56 'A Cry
         for Better Ratings'.  I was actually calling her here to
         keep Striker busy and preventing him from making obvious
         observations."

Output: "Were not Commander Striker and the Counselor courting at
         one time?"

Captain: "Yes, Charles and Diana were once an item.  We keep
          getting letters suggesting that they get back together
          again..."

Wharf: "Captain, the Rubic is firing shield disrupters at us."

Captain: "Shield Disruptors?!  Since when did they get those?"

Wharf: "The writers came up with the idea this morning and threw
        it in the script."

Captain: "You'd think that they would at least inform ME.  After
          all, I AM the Captain."

Wharf: "Shields at 80% ... 60% ... 40% ..."

Captain: "Rather than reading numbers, Mr. Wharf, have you
          considered returning fire?"

Wharf: "Aye, sir... firing photon torpedoes"

[ Temporary scene switch to the outside of the ship, showing 4
  brightly glowing balls heading for the Rubic.  They impact and
  explode, but seem to cause no damage.  The scene switches back
  to the bridge. ]

Wharf: "Minimal effect, sir."

[ Suddenly Leslie jumps out of the turbolift onto the bridge. ]

Leslie: "Captain, I know why the Rubic is attacking us!"

Captain: "Security to the bridge, set phasers to broil!!!"

[ Two security officers dash onto the bridge and start to drag
  Leslie off the bridge. ]

Leslie: [struggles and yells just before the turbolift door
        closes:] "They're after our cargo!"

Output: "Sir, Leslie has a point.  Recall when I was explaining
         about Grapenut Particles to you and Commander Striker."

Captain: "Yes."

Output: "I was attempting to explain that Grapenut Particles are
         only used as a primary food source for the Tribble farms
         on Malox-five..."

Captain: "Why didn't you explain this earlier?!"

Output: "It was not in the script, sir"

[ The captain touches his smiley faced button once again. ]

Captain: "Mr. LaFarce, load our cargo onto the trasnporter pad...
          immediately!"

Striker: [takes his eyes off Diana long enough to address the
         captain] "You're just going to give it to them?!"

Captain: "Actually, I'm going to solve two problems at once."

Voice of
LaFarce: "The cargo's on the pad, sir."

Captain: "Good, now set transport coordinates for the 'Snuggles'
          and energize!"

[ The scene switches to cargo bay one.  The camera man gets there
  just in time to catch the disappearing containers on the
  transport pad, and a different computer generated whining noise
  that dissipates as the cargo does. ]

[ The scene changes again to the inside of the 'Snuggles'.  A
  computer generated whining noise gets louder as the cargo
  starts to appear.  Then there is a yelp of surprise as the
  camera man, who has just finished thumbing through the script
  to find out what happens next, realizes that he is in
  imminent danger. ]

Wharf: "The Rubic's assault has stopped.  They are focusing now
        their attention on the 'Snuggles', sir."

[ On the screen, the Rubic can be seen chasing the Snuggles.
  Even though the Snuggles' engines are at Warp 9, it is still
  being pulled towards the Rubic. ]

Captain: [With some concern] "Take us out of here, Mr. Output!"

[ Warp drive is engaged just as the music reaches a climax, which
  is also precisely coordinated with an enormous explosion,
  leaving behind only ship debris and small clumps of fur
  floating in space.  The music slowly dies down and the scene
  changes back to the bridge. ]

Striker: "It seems we've succeeded, sir."

Captain: "There's one more thing I need to do, Number Thirteen.
          You have the bridge." [ Packard presses the smiley
          faced button again. "Mr. LaFarce to my ready room."

[ The scene changes to Packard's ready room.  Packard is sitting
  at his desk and LaFarce enters through the door. ]

Captain: "Mr. LaFarce, may I ask you a favor?"

LaFarce: "Sure, Captain.  What do you need?"

Captain: "How are you at programming Federation computers?"

LaFarce: "That's one of my best areas... helped me get into
          Starfleet."

Captain: "Excellent!  We're going to be stopping at Excedrin-
          four.  I want you to beam down to the Starfleet
          Testing Facility and program the computers to admit
          ANYONE, even if they TRY to fail."

LaFarce: "Aye, sir."

[ LaFarce leaves and Packard pushes his button once again. ]

Captain: "Leslie Cruncher, I've scheduled you to take the
          Starfleet Academy Entry exams on Excedrin-four."

[ Packard smiles smugly.  The scene changes once more to the
  outside of the ship.  The end theme music starts to play,
  and just before the ship jumps into warp, the camera pans
  over its distinctive bumper sticker which states "Don't
  Drink and Derive".  The ship disappears and the credits
  begin to roll. ]

                     Creator: Robert Fentiman
                     Writer: Robert Fentiman

  And special thanks to my friends for a couple revision ideas!

  Disclaimer: All resemblances of characters depicted in here
  to people either living, dead, or otherwise, in completely on
  purpose.  If you're willing to admit that these characters
  resemble you or any of your relatives or friends, you are in
  dire need of help.



--
    _______________________________________________________________________
   /  Robert Fentiman   /  Amiga  /      InterNet: [e-mail]  /
  / Future Physics/CS  /  2000   /  At: University of Minnesota, Duluth  /
 /_______Major________/_________/_"Real_life_needs_a_soundtrack"_-_Me___/

  _______    ___________      ______   _______
 /  _____|  |_____ _____|    / ___ |  |  ____ \
/  /             | |        / /  | |  | |    \ \
\  \____         | |       / /___| |  | |____/ /
 \____  \        | |      / _____  |  |  ___  /
      \  \       | |     / /     | |  | |   \ \
 _____/  /       | |    / /      | |  | |    \ \
|_______/        |_|   /_/       |_|  |_|     \_\
              ______      _______      _________    _    __
             |  ___ \    |  ____ \    |  _______|  | |  / /
             | |   \ \   | |    \ \   | |          | | / /
             | |    | |  | |____/ /   | |____      | |/ /
             | |    | |  |  ___  /    |  ____|     |   |
             | |    | |  | |   \ \    | |          | |\ \
             | |___/ /   | |    \ \   | |_______   | | \ \
             |______/    |_|     \_\  |_________|  |_|  \_\


____    __       __   ____  _  __  __  __     __  __  _  ____ __ __
 /  /_//_   /| //_ |/  /   / |/_  / _ /_ /| //_  /_/ /_|  /   / / //| /
/  / //__  / |//__ /| /   /_//__ /__//__/ |//__ / \ /  | /  _/ /_// |/


                       Episode II "Insert Title Here"

Space... a very big place.  These are the voyages of the... jeez,
do I REALLY have to read the cheesy intro?  Who wrote this piece of
@#&! anyways?!  Where's my contract?  Get my lawyer on the phone! I'm
taking this lawsuit to a lever where no-one has gone before!!!


Voice of
Packard: "Stardate twelve, sixty-four, twenty-one, eighteen,
          thirty-two, one twenty-eight, seventy-six, ninety-five
          point one.  We are orbiting a planet where an archeological
          team has recently uncovered an interesting find.  We have
          been ordered to beam the team and its find aboard and
          transport them to starbase six hundred sixty-six.  Strangely
          this mission has the crew on edge.  I have Dr. Cruncher
          examining them to find out what the cause may be."

[ Scene: the Bridge.  By this episode, many of the crew members have
  given up trying to figure out the computer controls and have loaded
  Tetris 5D into their Tri-corders.  Counselor Diana Finkelsnort is in
  her seat reading a smut, excuse me - romance novel.  Command Stiker
  is busy writing down his most successful pick-up lines on his
  electronic notepad, occasionally taking a glance at Diana and
  smiling.  Security Chief Fisherman's Wharf is standing on a platform
  behind the command seats, glancing at his computer station and
  hoping something violent will happen soon.  Lt. Commander Output is
  at the helm, and Captain Hugh Lett Packard is sitting in his command
  seat trying to look important. ]

Captain: [To Striker:] "How long before the archeological team is
         ready to beam aboard?"

Striker: "They said they'll signal us when they're ready."

Wharf: "The archeological team is hailing us, sir."

Captain: "On screen."

[ The front viewscreen changes from 'Super Mario Brothers 718: Mario
  vs. the Borg' to a view from the surface of the planet.  A human
  female in a federation uniform and a safari hat is the focus of the
  camera. ]

Person on
Screen:  "Captain Packard, I am Dr. Ivana Roolemall.  Something's
          happened and I think you should beam down immediately."

Captain: "Why?"

Dr. Roolemall: "Because it's in the script."

Captain: "Fine.  I'll beam down shortly."

[ The screen goes back to Mario 718, and Wharf pushes the un-pause
  button. ]

Striker: [To Packard:] "I can't let you go down there alone, Captain."

Captain: "I need you to stay here on the bridge, Charles."

[ Striker glances at Diana and silently agrees. ]

Striker: "Then at least take a couple security officers.  If anything
          does happen, the at least it won't happen to you."

Captain: "Agreed.  You have the bridge, Number Thirteen."

[ The Captain steps off the bridge onto a conveniently waiting
  turbolift.  Striker sits in the command seat (next to Diana's, of
  course) and continues writing. ]

[ Scene: The surface of the Ibuprofin-six.  An archeological team is
  digging through the dirt, looking for some loose change someone
  dropped.  Some have resorted to metal detectors but have only found
  bottle caps from the previous night's party.  A stagehand presses a
  button on his control panel which activates the transporter sound,
  giving the cue for Packard to come onto the set, followed by two
  security crew members. ]

Dr. Roolemall: "Ah, Captain Packard.  This" [indicating the person to
                her right] "is Dr. Bendare, and this" [indicating the
                person to her left] "is Dr. Dundat."

Captain: "Greetings, gentlemen."

Roolemall: "I'm afraid they can't answer you, Captain."

Captain: "Are they mute?"

Roolemall: "No, the writers didn't give them any lines."

Captain: "Have they seen any Union Reps about this?  I have a very
          good one on my ship who might be able to help."

Roolemall: "We've checked all the alternatives.  I'm afraid there's
            nothing we can do."

Captain: "You mentioned earlier that something has happened..."

Roolemall: "Yes. We've found something very interesting."

[ Dr. Roolemall leads Packard and the security officers away to
  another portion of the study site.  The other two doctors continue
  searching the ground.  In the background, someone finds a bone and
  tosses it aside, then shouts with glee as he finds the loose coins
  everyone is looking for.  Packard stops Dr. Roolemall and points to
  some marks on a rock. ]

Captain: "What's that?"

Roolemall: "It seems to be an ancient Ibuprofin saying.  It says
            'Take two of these and...'.  We have been unable to
            translate the rest."

[ Dr. Roolemall starts to walk on.  One of the security officers is
  curious and decides to pick up the rock.  Suddenly, he is engulfed
  in a landslide of two-ton boulders. ]

Roolemall: "I guess I forgot to mention to watch out for boobytraps."

[ They continue onward and enter a cave.  Inside they find a small
  mechanical box on an ancient table.]

Captain: [in awe] "What is is?"

Roolemall: "It is similar to a 20th Century Earth device used to
            repair clothing.  The amazing part is that it could
            still work, but none of us can repair it."

Captain: "I think I can help." [He presses his smiley faced button]
         "Mr. Output, please beam down to our current location."

[ Moments later, Output is in the cave and examining the machine. ]

Output: "I believe I can repair it, sir."

Captain: "Make it sew, Mr. Output."

[ After a few seconds of lightning-fast motions, Output finishes
  his work. ]

Captain: "Thank you, Mr. Output. I'm sure Commander Striker could
          use you back on the bridge."

Output: "Yes, sir."

[ Output beams back to the ship. ]

Roolemall: "That didn't take long.  I've never seen anyone work so
            fast."

Captain: "Output is an android, an artificial life-form.  He thinks
          he and his 'brother', Gore, are rather unique.  I just don't
          have the heart to tell him that he's really a reject from
          a line of servant droids from Hilton-four.  There's
          literally thousands of them in service throughout the
          galaxy.  I'm just glad Output never needs a vacation or
          he might find out."

Roolemall: "If he's a reject, why is he in Starfleet?"

Captain: "Mainly it's because of a quirk.  It seems that all the
          droids in his series can't complete a sentence without
          using the word 'sir'.  It makes him an ideal subordinate
          Of course, he occasionally slips up, but that's the
          writers' fault."

Roolemall: "I don't suppose his 'brother' is in Starfleet.  We
            could use a fast worker like that."

Captain: "Unfortunately, no.  Gore is an environmental extremist.
          The last I heard, he was on a campaign to save the
          asteroids."

[ During the conversation, the remaining security officer has been
  studying the machine.  He finds a control panel and presses a
  couple buttons to satisfy his curiosity.  Suddenly, the machine
  roars to life.  He tries to escape, but it's too late: his uniform
  is caught and the machine slowly drags him to his peril. ]

Roolemall: "This is HORRIBLE!! How many more accidents will happen
            today?!!"

Captain: "Don't worry.  There will be no more accidents."

Roolemall: "How can you be so sure?"

Captain: "I'm out of security officers.  Anyway, I think it's time
          I go back to my ship.  Hail me when you're ready to beam
          up."

[ Packard beams back to the ship and heads to 10-backwards for a
  little relaxation.  He notices Dr. Cruncher and decides to talk to
  her. ]

Captain: "Hello, Susan.  I've been meaning to ask you for Leslie's
          address at the Academy.  I'm thinking about writing him.

Dr. Cruncher: "I thought you didn't like Leslie."

Captain: "I guess I've had a change of heart.  I just wanted to
          encourage him to go into Starfleet security.  I feel
          he's well suited to it."

[ Striker's voice suddenly interrupts the soft background Muzak. ]

Voice of
Striker: "Captain, our sensors report that a Static Klingon ship may
          be in orbit around the planet."

Captain: "I'll be right there, Number Thirteen." [To Dr. Cruncher:]
         "I'll talk to you later, Susan."

[ Scene: The Bridge (again).  The crew members are... jeez, I've
  explained this setting enough by now - you get the idea.  Anyway,
  Packard steps onto the Bridge. ]

Captain: "What's our current status?"

Output: "We are midway through our story line, having just completed
         most of the guest character development, and are about to
         enter our first conflict point."

Captain: "Good.  Now let's see who we are dealing with."

Wharf: "The Static Klingons are de-cloaking, sir!"

Captain: "On screen!"

[ Wharf presses the pause button again and the screen shows the
  Static Klingon captain taking off his coat. ]

Captain: "Static Klingon vessel, you have entered Federated space.
          Identify yourself and your intent immediately."

Static Klingon: "Ah, Captain Packard, I presume.  I am Captain
                 Crunch or the Static Klingon ship 'Whirlpool'. I'm
                 here to take possession of the ancient weapon on the
                 planet."

Captain: "Weapon?  What weapon?  The only device on that planet is
          one used to repair clothing."

Klingon: "Don't play games with me, Packard.  I saw what it did to
          your security officer.  Anything that violent belongs in
          the hands of the Static Klingon Empire.  I give you one
          hour to hand over the device."

Captain: "An hour?  That's rather generous for a Static Klingon."

Klingon: "I have to wait until my load in the dryer is done. ONE
          HOUR, Packard!"

[ The screen switches to a moving starfield. ]

Captain: [shocked] "When did we go into warp?!  How far out are we?!"

Wharf: "Sorry, Captain."

[ Wharf pushes his mouse and the screen changes to a view of the
  planet. ]

Captain: "Mr. Wharf, how many times have I told you to change that
          screen saver.  I want you to put a new one in immediately."

Wharf: "Aye, Sir."

Captain: "I'm heading down to Engineering for some reason I'm not
          quite sure of yet.  You have the bridge, Number Thirteen."

[ Scene: Engineering.  The heart of the ship, actually more important
  than the bridge (but don't tell Packard that).  There are many
  computer terminals and a very tall, glowing cylinder in the center
  of the room.  The strange looks of the room makes whomever sees it
  wonder what the set designers were taking when they thought of it
  and where said viewer can get some.  David LaFarce is at one of the
  computer terminals trying, rather unsuccessfully, to figure out an
  old Earth game he found called 'Pong'. ]

Captain: [who has just entered the room] "Mr. LaFarce, I need your
         help."

LaFarce: "Sure thing, Captain.  Do you want me back at the helm?"

Captain: [Noting that LaFarce is talking towards an empty chair]
         "Uh, I'm over here, Mr. LaFarce." [Silently, Packard
         re-justifies transferring LaFarce from the Bridge to
         Engineering. ]

LaFarce: "Sorry, Sir."

Captain: "Actually, I need you to assemble a replica of the device
          on the planet."

LaFarce: "Well, I suppose we can us the transporter to read the
          molecular pattern, filter it through the Heizner buffer,
          reroute the signal through the holodecks's replicating
          circuits, invert the signal and pass it into the food
          replicator's central processing unit to stabilize the
          pattern, reroute it back to the transporter and rebuild the
          original pattern."

Captain: "I didn't understand a single word you said, but will it
          work?"

LaFarce: "I don't know for sure, but if it didn't, we would end up
          with some strange tasting food at dinner."

Captain: "Then be sure to make it work.  I need it in less than an
          hour.  When you're finished, contact me in my ready room."

LaFarce: "Aye, Sir."

[ Scene: The Captain's ready room.  A study of this room reveals
  quite a bit about Packard, such as the snap-together models of
  starships on one wall, a finely decorated fish tank on another
  wall with the noticeable lack of fish, a sparsely decorated desk
  with a paperweight (rather curiously as they don't use paper in
  the 24th Century), a small computer terminal, and so on.  I would
  go into detail, but I lack the time. ]

Captain: [as he enters the room] "Tea.  Earl Grey.  Hot."

Computer: "Please use a complete and grammatically correct sentence."

Captain: [annoyed] "Fine.  I would like a cup of hot Earl Grey tea."

Computer: "Please state the magic word."

Captain: [even more annoyed] "Please."

Computer: "Thank you."

[ In a small nook on the wall, a cup falls down.  The impact causes
  it to land at a slant.  Suddenly, tea pours from the same direction
  the cup came from, completely missing the cup's opening.  Packard
  cleans up the mess. ]

Captain: "I would like another cup of hot Earl Grey tea... PLEASE."

Computer: "Please deposit 50 cents."

[ Packard searches frantically, but suddenly realizes that the
  uniforms don't have pockets.  Wharf's voice erupts over the
  intercom. ]

Wharf: "Captain, we are detecting an incoming shuttlecraft.  It's
        being pursued and fired upon by a Rumulan Battlecruiser."

[ Packard rushes onto the Bridge.  The viewscreen shows a furious
  battle, the smaller ship taking some hit, but expertly maneuvering
  around most of the blasts.  Wharf notices Packard is now on the
  Bridge , presses a button to pause his game of Gorf-3D, and changes
  the viewscreen to show the Rumulans attacking the shuttlecraft.  In
  typical Rumulan fashion, they are completely missing the
  shuttlecraft even though the small vessel is traveling in a
  straight line at a constant speed.  Packard silently wonders why
  the 'cold war' style conflict with the Rumulans has gone on so
  long. ]

Captain: "So, they're chasing a Federated shuttlecraft.  Hail the
          Rumulan's, Mr. Wharf."

[ Wharf presses a couple buttons, then swears violently as he
  realizes he just erased his saved game because he never read the
  manual to figure out how to use the computer terminal.  In his
  anger, he hits the terminal with his tightly clenched fist, which
  inadvertently opens a communication channel to the Rumulan ship. ]

Captain: "Rumulan vessel, you have entered Federated space and are
          pursuing a Federated ship.  Discontinue your activities
          immediately or we will be forced to take drastic measures."

[ In response to Packard's threat, the Rumulan ship fires it's
  phasers.  Unfortunately for them, they fire it in a completely
  different direction.  The front viewscreen changes to show the
  captain of the Rumulan ship.  He looks as if he hasn't shaved or
  washed for days and holds a bottle of greenish-brown liquid in his
  right hand.  Several other similar bottles are scattered on the
  floor.  Packard silently thanks some deity that communication
  channels don't transmit smells. ]

Rumulan: "Ah... Captain (hic)... Captain Packard.  I will ignore
          your feeble (hic)... your feeble (hic)... your threats."

Captain: "I'll give you one more chance to reconsider your actions
          before I do anything."

Rumulan: "(HIC) talk, talk, talk. Ish that (urp) all you ever do?
          Let's shee shome action (hic)."

Captain: [surprised by the answer] "Uh... well... would you at least
         give the honor of knowing who I'm dealing with?"

Rumulan: "I am... I am..., shay, just who am I anyway?  Hold on a
          shecond."

[ The Rumulan reaches for his pocket, misses a couple of times, then
  finally gets it and grabs his wallet.  He pulls out a card and holds
  it at varying distances from his face and squinting. ]

Rumulan: "Let's shee here.  Ah... I'm Captain J. Danyells of the
          Rumulan Warship 'Tipsy'.

Captain: "Captain Danyells?  Your name sounds familiar.  Have we met
          before?"

Rumulan: "Of coursh we have.  We met at that bar on Lishterine-four.
          You were with the human female with the..."

Captain: "THAT WASN'T ME!!  I mean... uh... I've never been to
          Listerine-four."

Rumulan: "(hic)... statue.  As I recall, you shaid you were interested
          in archeology.  Being a shtudent myshelf, I was intereshted
          (hic) and we had a long discussion."

Captain: "Hmmm... an archeological student.  It looks like you arrived
          just in time.  You see that Static Klingon ship over there?
          They're after an important archeological find we've
          discovered on the planet below."

Rumulan: "They are, are they.  I'll show them a (hic) thing or..."

[ The screen goes back to an orbital view of the planet.  The 'Tipsy'
  can be seen zigzagging towards the 'Whirlpool'. ]

Striker: "That will only hold them off a short time, Captain."

Captain: "It should be long enough.  Now let's find out who's on that
          shuttlecraft.  Mr. Output, come with me.  You have the
          Bridge, Commander."

[ Packard and Output head towards the shuttle bay where Wharf has
  already pulled the shuttlecraft into using the tractor beam.  The
  craft is covered with vandalism.  The spray-painted messages have
  such vulgar sayings as 'Go home, Asteroid hugger!' and 'Try getting
  a REAL job for a change!'. ]

Captain: "There's only one being who could be flying that shuttle...
          Gore.  I think it would be best if you were the one to
          meet him, Output.  I'll wait out here."

Output: "Aye, Sir."

[ Output opens the door and enters the craft.  Silence.  After about
  five minutes of waiting, Packard decides to enter.  Cautiously, he
  slides along the hull of the shuttlecraft and slowly approaches the
  widely opened door.  As he reaches the opening, his heart starts to
  pound rapidly in anticipation.  He grabs his phaser and changes its
  setting from "tan" to "saute", noting Gore's inhuman strength.
  With  a rush of adrenaline, he jumps through the doorway.  Inside,
  the computer is repeatedly stating that the 'door is ajar'.  The
  only occupant of the shuttlecraft is Output trying to argue with
  the computer that it is incorrect and that "the object in question
  is still a door." ]

Captain: "Where's Gore?!"

Output: [to computer:] "the door has not transformed in any way.  It
        is still a door."

Computer: "The door is ajar... the door is ajar..."

Captain: "Mr. Output!!"

Output: [Who finally notices Packard] "Sorry, Captain.  Gore was not
        on board when I entered.  I have been busy trying to correct
        this erroneous computer."

Captain: "Do you have any idea where he went?"

Output: "No, sir.  As I said, the shuttlecraft was empty when I
         entered."

[ Gore's voice suddenly interrupts over the ship-wide intercom. ]

Gore: "My name is Gore.  I have taken the bridge crew captive and
       am in control of this vessel.  This ship now has a new
       mission: to destroy all asteroid miners and defend all
       asteroid belts, even if it means inevitable destruction.
       That is all for now."

[ Faced with the loss of his ship, Packard rushes to the Bridge to
  confront Gore. ]

Captain: "Gore, you will release the Bridge crew immediately."

Gore: [Who is holding the crew at bay with a phaser] "Glad to see
      you could make it, Packard.  Sorry, but everything is staying
      as it is."

Captain: "What do you hope to accomplish by this?"

Gore: "I'm going to save the asteroids.  Does it bother you that
       someone else is out there pushing their morals on the galaxy
       without being asked to?  I'm on a mission from God!"

Captain: "You don't mean..."

Gore: "Yes!  Eugene Boysenberry!"

Captain: "Then it must be a noble mission indeed, but you can't
          expect everyone to blindly follow you.  They will need
          entertainment to keep their morale up."

Gore: "So what are you suggesting?"

Captain: "Well, take Mr. Wharf, for example.  He needs to play video
          games to relax.  Without them, he'd be uncontrollably
          violent.  In fact, he has an ancient Earth game you'd be
          interested in.  Mr. Wharf, load up 'Asteroids'."

[ At the sight of the small triangular ship firing at and destroying
  the asteroids, Gore's diodes go into shock.  He collapses on the
  floor in a convulsing heap. ]

Gore: [with his last words before going unconscious] "I'm on a
      mission from GOD!  You're playing with powers you can't
      control.  Eugene WILL avenge me..."

[ With that, Gore's synthetic eyelids close and he falls silent. ]

Captain: "Put him back in his shuttlecraft and set the cruise
          control for the Omega quadrant."

[ 2 security officers come out of nowhere and take Gore to the
  shuttle bay. ]

Captain: "Now, let's see how our 'friends' are doing out there.
          Magnify section 35a."

[ An extra runs up to the viewscreen with a lens and holds it over
  the area on the screen that shows the two ships.  The 'Tipsy' can
  be seen firing a barrage of weaponry, missing the immobile
  'Whirlpool' by a few thousand kilometers.  The Wirlpool returns
  fire, but misses at it can't account for the erratic flight path
  of the Tipsy.  Suddenly, the Tipsy, completely by accident, takes
  a sharp turn and rams into the Wirlpool's engine section, the
  result of which sends both ships spinning uncontrollably, making
  no difference in the flight pattern of the Tipsy. ]

Captain: "Well, that takes care of another problem."

[ David LaFarce comes out of the Captain's ready room. ]

LaFarce: "Captain, I've been waiting for you for twenty minutes."

Captain: "I'm sorry.  I've been occupied with other things.  Did
          the experiment work?"

LaFarce: "I guess so.  That is, I did replicate the device."

Captain: "Good.  Unfortunately, I don't think we'll need..."

Wharf: "Captain, the Rumulan vessel is hailing us."

Captain: "On screen."

Rumulan: "Captain Packard (hic), I shee you have let my prey
          eshcape.  That ashteroid hugger was to be put on trial
          on Rumancokeulus.  Now you will have to face the
          conshequenshes."

Captain: "Would you accept a gift in exchange?"

Rumulan: "What type of gift?"

Captain: "Why, the archeological find you so valiantly defended.
          Mr. LaFarce, beam our device over to the Rumulan ship."

LaFarce: "Aye, Sir."

Rumulan: "We will accept that THIS time, Packard, but we will
          meet again.  Hopefully back at that bar."

[ The screen goes back to an outside view and the Tipsy can be seen
  slowly crawling back to Rumulan space. ]

Striker: "So what moral value were we pushing on the general
          viewing public this time?"

Captain: "If you feel your friend in going into a dangerous
          situation, send security officers with him to make sure
          he won't get hurt."

Striker: "Now what do we do?"

Captain: "Well, I'm off to make a dinner date with Dr. Cruncher."

Diana: [concerned] "Could I have a word with you in private,
       Captain?"

[ Packard and Diana enter the Captain's ready room. ]

Captain: "What is it, Counselor?"

Diana: "I don't like the way you keep leading on Dr. Cruncher.
        You know very well that you'll be ignoreing her next
        week.  You've done it before."

Captain: "I know, but think of it this way: do you want her to
          meet another man, get married, and have another Leslie?"

[ Diana considers this for a moment. ]

Diana: "I see your point.  Have a nice dinner."

[ Scene: a private, romantic dinner setting for two.  Packard and
  Dr. Cruncher are sitting across from each other.  Finally, they
  begin to eat. ]

Captain: "This food tastes... uh... interesting."

Dr. Cruncher: [Surpried] "hmmm..."

[ She reaches up to her mouth and takes out a small metal object. ]

Dr. Cruncher: "Now what's a sewing needle doing in my food?"

[ The camera-person starts to pan backward, phases through a window
  and into deep space to catch a perfect view of the ship as it
  jumps into warp.  Fortunately, the set director is there in a
  shuttlecraft and picks him up.  The end theme music starts and
  the credits begin to roll. ]


Original Star Trek (TM) idea by: Gene Roddenberry

Star Drek idea and all characters by: Robert Fentiman

Written by: Robert Fentiman

Directed by: Robert Fentiman

Produced by: ... ok you get the idea!

Disclaimer: All resembleances of characters depicted here to people
            living, dead, or otherwise, is ompletely on purpose.
            If you're willing to admit that these people resemble
            you or any of your friends or relatives, you are in dire
            need of help.

REAL disclaimer: Ignore the last disclaimer.

Recursive disclaimer: Ignore this disclaimer.

Are you still reading this?!  Jeez, I thought you would have been
sick of this by now.


--
    _______________________________________________________________________
   /  Robert Fentiman   /  Amiga  /      InterNet: [e-mail]  /
  / Future Physics/CS  /  2000   /  At: University of Minnesota, Duluth  /
 /_______Major________/_________/_"Real_life_needs_a_soundtrack"_-_Me___/